Foolproof Ideas
by LovingMyDoctor
Summary: After the war, Hermione is living in the muggle world, Ron cheated on her and sold their private story to Rita Skeeter. At a Christmas Party she and Severus agree on a "no-strings-attached"-arrangement, no commitments, no feelings. It's foolproof, what could possibly go wrong? When he is offered a job overseas will he realise his true feelings? M for dark themes, Ron-bashing. R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**Foolproof Ideas**

"_I'm going down. Follow if you want I won't just hang around. Like you'll show me where to go.__  
__I'm already out of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how to get started, it's all uncharted."_ Sara Bareilles – "Uncharted"_ [__ Kaleidoscope Heart]_

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**Chapter 1: Invited Me In.**

"_He's not a magic man or a perfect fit, but had a steady hand and I got used to it. And a glass cage heart and invited me in."_

Sara Bareilles – "Basket Case"_ [K__aleidoscope Heart]_

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"So, you and Weasley broke up?"

I suppressed a sigh and took another sip of my wine, before answering:

"Yes."

"Because he cheated?"

"It's none of your business."

Cormac McLaggen was seriously getting on my nerves.

"Oh come on!" He grinned, "We're both war-heroes. I'm your friend, you can tell me!"

I drained my glass, "You are _not_ a war-hero and we're not friends. Excuse me." I pushed myself past him and tried to hide in the large crowd of the people.

It was the first Christmas-Party for the war-heroes. Because of my break-up with Ron I hadn't wanted to come at first, but Harry had begged me to.

_It won't be weird_, he had said, _Ginny and I will make sure you're not alone_.

And yet there I stood with Cormac McLaggen.

"Hermione!" Harry hurried over to me. "I'm so sorry! Professor McGonagall wanted to talk to me an-"

"It's fine." I looked past him, expecting to see his beautiful red-headed girlfriend, "Where's Ginny?"

"Eh…she's talking to Ron."

I turned away. "I'm leaving."

"Hermione, don't please." Harry grabbed my arm. "Look, most people here tonight think they are heroes because they were part of the Battle of Hogwarts. _You_ were the one that said we should come to these parties and make sure no one changes history, remember?"

I did remember. At our graduation party a few months ago, when things had been great. When Ron and I had still been together, when we had been celebrated as heroes, when I had plans for my life and thought I knew exactly what was going to happen.

Before things had begun to fall apart.

"Miss Granger!" Minerva McGonagall shook my hand. "My dear. _How_ have you been?"

Before people had looked at me with wide eyes and asked quietly, as if it was a secret _how_ I had been.

"Fine."

Ron had cheated on me. With Padma Patil. And then some other girl. I didn't like having sex with him. It had hurt the first time and had been awkward. Then he'd slept with a girl named Harriet. He'd said he was sorry. I didn't cry after the third time - I was too angry.

_Shame on you if you fool me once. Shame on me if you fool me twice_. Who was to be ashamed the third time?

"You are living in the muggle-world at the moment, is that correct?"

"Yes."

People didn't approve of that. And they never asked questions. There was usually something wrong with witches and wizards who returned to the muggle-world. At least that was what Ron had said.

"I must talk to Potter, please excuse me Miss Granger!" She hurried away and I sighed, putting my empty glass away.

Harry was talking to McGonagall and Ginny was discussing something with Ron. She seemed upset. I hadn't spoken to her in a while.

This was ridiculous. I wanted to go home and watch TV. Or read a book. Or just be anywhere but here.  
I looked around at the other people at the party. Draco Malfoy was talking to Padma Patil and I felt rage boil up in me. What was it with that girl? And what were they doing here anyway?! This was a party for war-heroes.

I waved at Harry, who looked unhappy with my departure but couldn't seem to get away from Professor McGonagall. He put his hand to his ear, indicating that he would call me. I smiled and nodded.

Outside in the hallway I slipped into my jacket and sighed relieved. The air in the party room was hot and stuffy. Out here I could finally breathe.

"Hermione!"

Oh for crying out loud. I just wanted to go home, how was that too much to ask?

"Wait up! Are you already going?!"

"Yes." I zipped my jacket up. "I'll see you around Cormac."

"Wait please." He ran his hand through his thick hair. "Why don't I go with you?"

"I don't think so."

"It will be nice." His voice was smooth, as he stepped closer and opened my jacket again. "We'll have a few drinks and catch up. You know...have some fun."

"I _really_ don't think so." I slapped his hand away, closed my jacket and turned to leave.

"Maybe Ron wouldn't have left, if you weren't such a prude!" He snapped aggressively causing me to spin around. "There must be something wrong with you, if he has to sleep with _three_ different girls!"

I wanted to answer, but only concentrated on _not_ crying at first. Whatever scrap of dignity I had left, I was seizung it.

"Bloody hell, Mr. McLaggen!" A familiar cold voice came out of the darkness. "Can't you just take no for an answer?"

Cormac stiffened and I closed my eyes for a moment, before opening them again and seeing my former professor with a sour look on his face. The sour look was nothing new of course, but he looked different, better somehow. There was a certain rugged handsomeness he'd never shown before, or maybe I hadn't seen it.

"Professor Snape." Cormarc's voice shook, but whether it was anger or perhaps fear I couldn't tell. "It's good to see–"

"Shut up." The Hogwarts potions master interrupted, stepping closer. "I'm sorry to see you can't handle rejection, but you should go back to the party or leave."

"With all due respect, Sir this is a private matter and none of your business. We are two adults in–"

"Save it." Professor Snape interrupted, "I know three-year-olds that would pass as an adult before you would."

"You can't intimidate me, Sir." The fact that his voice was sounding pitched contradicted his words, but Cormac stuck to his belief: "You're no longer my teacher. I am working for the minister _himself_ and there's nothing you can do to scare me."

"Oh really?" He sounded amused, as he stepped closer and Cormac backed away, he lowered his voice into a cold whisper: "I worked for the Dark Lord himself for years, I have seen and done things you could not possibly imagine…" Professor Snape glared at him. "I do not give a damn what the minister does or thinks, but you should make sure you do not cross my path again in a situation like this." He stepped away from him again and Cormac cleared his throat.

"Is that a threat, Sir? I have connections in the ministry, you know."

"Oh yes please do call the authorities, then Miss Granger can tell them all about how you sexually harassed her, now what would the minister think of that?"

Cormac glared at me one more time and then turned around to leave. As his footsteps faded away Professor Snape sighed relieved, before he asked:

"Are you alright, Miss Granger?"

I burst into tears.

He looked sincerely uncomfortable, stepping back and forth, wanting to go, but not being able to. He didn't seem surprised.

"Come on." He finally said and I followed him into his office we walked in silence and I tried to control my emotions, because I knew I was being ridicolous.

"Please stop crying." He handed me some tissues once we were inside. "None of the imbeciles in your life are worth it."

His words made me smile and I blew my nose, trying to calm down. "I'm sorry."

There was a silence between us before I quietly said:

"I didn't see you at the party."

"I only stayed as long as I had to, McGonagall's orders."

"Yeah." I closed my eyes. "I don't know why I came."

"Your name is in the papers a lot these days." His words made me massage my temples and he quickly added: "Or so I've heard. I don't read what Rita Skeeter writes."

"I read it." I sniffed, "And it was all true. Ron told her the entire story. She paid him for it."

"How is the muggle-world treating you?"

"It's quiet…and loud at the same time. I like it. Whenever I'm with wizards it's like they are watching me all the time."

A small, rare smile appeared on his face. "Yes. I think I know what you mean."

It was then that I remembered that he, too, had grown up in the muggle-world.

"What are you doing now?"

His question caused me to smile and cry at the same time.

"What?" He sounded confused, "Did I say something wrong?"

I shook my head and wiped the tears away. "You're the first one to ask me. I'm studying literature."

"Of course you are." Now he was grinning. He looked like a completely different person, attractive. "You're studying books."

"Yeah." There was a silence before I carefully asked: "Do you have anything to drink?"

He raised his eyebrows. "I do not feel comfortable giving you alcohol, Miss Granger."

"I'm 19." I replied swiftly and leaned back in my chair, crossing my arms in front of my chest. "Or do you also know three-year-olds who would pass as an adult, before I would?"

He looked at me and there was something in his eyes that I had not seen in a man's eyes before while looking at me.

"No." He finally said, before standing up and opening the cabinet next to his desk, when he returned he had with him a wine bottle.

It wasn't the effect of the alcohol so much as the effect of him. We had both changed and somehow connected now more than ever before. When we leaned forward in the same moment and our lips met for a kiss it was natural. I didn't think of him as my former teacher and I knew he didn't see me as his former student. I melted in his arms in a way I'd always read about, but had never experienced in real life. Everything around me vanished and the only thing that was left was the two of us. When he led me into his private quarters I knew he wasn't just inviting me into his bedroom, he was inviting me into his world and there was no place in either world, magical or muggle where I would have rather been in that moment.

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I am so excited to finally share this story with you, please let me know what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Fearless**

**A/N: It's Foolproof-Saturday! Thank you guys so much for all of your reviews and comments! On with the story...**

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"_And if I were fearless, __then__ I'd speak my truth __a__nd the world would hear this. __T__hat's what I wish I'd do, yeah."_ Sara Bareilles – "Let the Rain" _[Kaleidoscope Heart]._

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To say the next morning was awkward would have been the biggest understatement in all of human history, muggle and magical. The night before things had been simple, it had just been about the sex, which had been amazing, and there had been no need to speak. Now, as I lay under his dark green bed covered, stark naked, with his naked body curled against mine, I knew we would have to speak about what had happened.

But at first we both pretended to still be asleep.

I had never done this before. Had a one-night-stand. I'd only ever slept with Ron and he had been my boyfriend. I just didn't know how to behave in this situation. This wasn't a complete stranger I would never see again. This was Severus Snape, my former teacher, the most hated teacher this school had ever seen...

I could just leave, stand up swiftly, put on my clothes and say goodbye.

But.

I wanted to do it again. In fact I had wanted to do it again last night too, but last night things had been different.

"Hermione?"

His voice didn't make me jump. I'd known he was awake and had too been wondering how to continue in this situation.

"Would you like some breakfast?"

I began to blush deeply. Getting naked with my former teacher and having sex with him wasn't a problem, but eating breakfast with him seemed to be too intimate.

"Eh, no thanks. I rarely eat breakfast."

That wasn't entirely untrue, but on that morning I was ridiculously hungry. Blushing deeper I hoped he wouldn't notice.

"Alright."

He moved, untangling himself from me and stood up. Silently he left the bedroom and I hurried to get dressed.

Just as I'd finished with the last button on my shirt, the door opened and he came inside again.

"So." He said.

"So." I repeated.

There was a silence, before I broke it,

"I should go."

He didn't stop me from leaving and at the door I turned around,

"I still wanted to say thank you."

Now he frowned, "You're welcome?"

I blushed even deeper than I had before. "I didn't mean...not for..." I closed my eyes with a sigh and then opened them before explaining: "Because of how you interfered with McLaggen last night, you didn't have to. You didn't have to look out for me."

"You're welcome." He repeated his prior words and I couldn't find any emotion at all in his voice, it was monotone cold.

And yet I dared to step further into this awkwardness by using his first name and saying,

"Goodbye, Severus."

"Goodbye Hermione."

Outside I took a deep breath, as I walked through the halls of Hogwarts that had been my home for so long. I _did_ wonder what people would think if they saw me walking out here, obviously having spent the night in the castle. But what did it matter, in the end? They talked about me behind my back, posted intimate details about me in the Daily Prophet...what did it matter, if they had more to talk about?

They didn't know my thoughts. They didn't know how good last night had felt. How I longed to be touched in that way once more. By that man.

I apparated into my flat in London and had a shower before I got changed. It was winter break and I had some essays to write for university. Just as I had sat down at my desk with a cup of tea did I realise the blinking of my answering machine. A part of me wished it was him, but how would he have my number and what would he have said?

_Miss Granger, this is your former potions professor, I enjoyed my last night with you, would you like to be Sex-buddies?_

I shook my head at my own thoughts. This..._encounter_ had been a one-night-thing only.

_Hey Hermione! I know last night didn't go according to plan and it was weird, but...just call me back, ok? I'm worried. Hope you're ok. Bye._

Oh Harry. He was trying _so_ hard to keep our old group of friends together, but how could he even be so naïve as to _think_ things would be the way they had been before? Ron had cheated on me and hurt me, so I couldn't just pretend like nothing had ever happened, and Harry was with Ginny, who was Ron's sister, so I couldn't just be best friends with her either.

And besides, things had changed. We had changed.

The phone rang once more, followed by a persistent knocking on the door. Annoyed I ripped it open. There Harry stood, full on in his muggle clothing, dark jeans and a green sweater, phone in his hands.

"So, you _are_ still alive." He gently pushed himself past me into my small apartment.

"Wow, you're not being over-protective at all."

"I'm sorry, I feel really bad about last night, Hermione. You just took off."

"That's not entirely true." I closed the door. "I kind of waved goodbye."

Harry sat down at my small table, looking at my notes. "Are you busy?"

"Yes, I am _trying_ to write this essay, but..." It was Harry. He had had problems with Severus Snape all through our school-years and the fact that he had secretly loved Harry's mother all his life hadn't made their relationship easier. But Harry was also the only close friend I had at the moment. I _had_ to tell someone what had happened, and even if it would be difficult for him, he was the only one I could tell.

"I didn't just take off last night." I finally said.

"What do you mean?"

"I was..." I blushed deeply. "With someone."

Harry's eyes widened in surprise, "Who?"

I bit down on my lower lip nervously. Saying his name out loud meant it had really happened. That I had really spent the night with my former teacher.

"Oh no!" Harry suddenly cried out. "I saw him leave after you, but I thought you'd just blow him off."

I practically fell into the chair opposite him."You saw him leave?! Who else noticed?!"

"Well, everyone. I mean he was seeking you out all night." My heart skipped a beat at my friends words,

"He was?"

"Yeah, McLaggen has been trying to get into your pants for years, Hermione. I can't believe he managed...are you two...together now?" It was clear how hard it was for him to form these words. If he couldn't comprehend McLaggen, then he would never understand _Severus Snape_

"Eh, no. We're not."

"But you want to be."

I blushed deeply. "No."

Harry merely raised his eyebrows questioningly and I sighed:

"I wouldn't mind...if it happened again."

We sat opposite one another in silence, until I hesitantly asked:

"Would you like some tea?"

"Sure." He moved his position, leaning forward and I expected him to say something, but he remained silent. Even, as the water boiled loudly in the kettle there was this silence between us. It had been a mistake to speak to Harry. Even if he was my longest friend, I couldn't talk to him about sex. I needed a girl-friend for this kind of talk.

"I'm sorry." I discarded my own, cold, tea and put a streaming cup in front of him. "I shouldn't have said anything."

"It's fine. It's just...I never thought you were the type to..."

"Shag around?" I finished his sentence rather bluntly.

Now a blush crept into Harry's cheeks, as he put his hands around his mug, warming them.

"I want you to be happy Hermione." He finally said. "I know Ron has treated you badly and if having sex with Cormac McLaggen is something you want to do, then so be it." He frowned. "I don't necessarily think it's a good idea though."

Now I was the one to blush. "But...I don't know how to..._tell_ him that...I mean it's supposed to have been a one-time-thing."

"Honestly." Harry raised the mug to his lips and blew at it carefully. "That's for you to figure out. But, if you go to him I can't imagine him saying no."

"That's great advice, Harry, thanks."

My sarcasm did not go unnoticed by him. "I'm sorry, but I don't have any advice on how to seduce Cormac McLaggen."

Or Severus Snape.

"What's the worst that can happen?" He asked quietly, as he stared at the warm content in his mug. "That he'll say no and reject you, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, just get over that fear. If he says no, if he wants you to leave then fine that's it, you can deal with that. Make sure the worst thing that can happen doesn't affect you any more. I don't think there's anything sexier than a fearless woman."

"Really?"

"Well, maybe not in _every_ situation." He let go of his mug now and amusement flared up in his green eyes, as he looked up at me, "It's nice to play the hero every now and then, but in this particular situation I think fearlessness is exactly what you need."

Fearlessness. Right.

"Thanks Harry." I poured myself a cup of tea myself. "So, what was it like, yesterday?"

"It was...kind of boring, fine, ok I guess."

"They talked about me, didn't they?"

"Every person I spoke to ultimately asked me what was going on with you and Ron!" He rolled his eyes and seemed angry, before adding, "Well except for Snape that is."

I looked up hastily. "You spoke to Snape?"

"It wasn't for very long. He said _Potter_ and I said _Professor_. Then he said_ You made it, even though you're so busy? Your name is in the papers a lot lately._ And I said _I wouldn't have missed i_t. That was it."

"I can't believe you had a civilised conversation with Professor Snape." _Well, who could believe _you_ cried out his name all night?!_ I thought to myself.

To my surprise Harry began to laugh loudly and I was afraid for some reason had figured what had really happened last night, but then he explained,

"It wasn't civilised, Hermione. The sarcasm and hatred was there, I'm just not good at mimicking it."

I laughed now too, but more out of relief than anything else, finally I was able to ask:

"Did you mean what you said? That you wouldn't have missed it?"

He nodded. "You were right. We can't let people change History."

I smiled, glad that he and I were on the same page.

"Oh and if it's any consolation, most people who asked about you and Ron asked out of worry and most of them are on your side anyway."

"I don't want people to be on any sides." I sighed. "There shouldn't be any sides and if then it should be me on one side and Ron on the other. It's no one else's business."

"I agree." Harry's voice was soft. "And that's what I told people, even McGonagall, who is still really intimidating by the way."

"Thanks."

"So, what are you doing on New Years?"

Another defeated sigh escaped my lips. "I haven't given that much thought to it, to be honest."

"Great. Because Ginny and I have."

"Harry, I'm not going to–"

"I'm not inviting you to the Burrow." He interrupted softly. "I'm not completely stupid. _But_ I have arranged something for you."

"Oh no."

"A guy I know from Auror-Training, he-"

"Please don't do this."

"Would you rather go with McLaggen?" Now his tone was a bit sharper and I smiled apologetically and was silent to give him the chance to propose his idea.

"His name is Matt and he went to Hogwarts, so you have that in common, he was a Ravenclaw and took some time off after he graduated to travel."

I bit my lip nervously.

"What's the alternative?" Harry teased now. "Hanging out with Mum and Dad in front of the telly?"

I groaned, knowing he was right.

"Besides, Matt wants to get to know you, he's really excited about this date."

"How long has he known about it?"

Harry blushed. "Two weeks before Christmas."

"Ron and I weren't even separated then!"

"Yeah I know. Matt approached me and said he didn't want to spend New Years by himself and wondered if I knew anyone, who would be willing to go to this Party with him."

"And so naturally you thought of me, your best mate's girlfriend."

Ignoring me, he continued his story. "As a _joke_ I mentioned my best friend had a great girlfriend, who is also my best friend and he sort of got the idea in his mind that you'd be a great couple, because honestly the two of you do have a lot in common, when you and Ron broke up he begged me to ask you." Harry smiled sheepishly now. "You know this could be a great story to tell the kids later on."

I didn't argue, it was definitely better than: Your Dad used to be my teacher and then at a party I got drunk and we had sex.

"I saw how sad you were with him." His voice was quiet. "I could see how your happiness get less and less every day. Near the end I stopped believing in you and Ron."

I raised my mug of tea to my lips. "Yeah. Didn't we all."

"So...you'll go?"

Here I was. Left by the boy I thought I would marry one day, _betrayed_ by the boy I thought I would marry one day, having just slept with my former teacher and wanting to get into an affair with him and now I was being asked out for a blind date, with a seemingly perfect guy.

"Yeah, sure."

"Great! I'll tell him as soon as I get home. His sister is throwing this huge party, he can just pick you up here, right?"

"Yeah."

Harry stood up rather abruptly. "I'm going to be late for lunch, so I'll have to go now. It was nice catching up with you, Hermione."

"Yeah and thanks..." I felt a blush crept into my face once more. "For your advice."

He hugged me tightly. "You're welcome. I'll speak to you soon, ok?"

"Ok."

"Bye."

"Bye Harry."

When he left the silence he had left behind enveloped me for a moment, holding it me in a cold grasp, but as soon as I turned on the radio the grip loosened.

I had work to do.

It took my three hours and some tea-breaks in-between, but I did manage to write a first draft of the essay. It was supposed to be a characterization of Cathy from _Wutherng Heights,_ but somehow I had written more about Heathcliff.

The two were just inseparable.

After finishing this first piece of work I ate some pizza and tidied up my flat. I washed my laundry, hoovered my carpets, changed my bedsheets and even cleaned my windows.

None of it helped. I still found myself getting changed, applying make up and styling my hair. Then I found myself apparating to Hogwarts. Ron, Harry and I had been awarded with a free access to the castle whenever we liked, as a thank you for our service in the war. Allthough I was sure that I wasn't using this freedom for the proper reasons.

Fearlessness.

In that moment, as I walked down the familiar hallway to the Dungeons I felt nothing but fear. There was a part of me that seemed to be yelling, seemed to be fighting and trying to stop me from doing it.

But it was a very small part.

"Hermione?" He was actually surprised to see me and I was surprised to see any kind of emotion on his face.

"I..um..." I took a deep breath. "I forgot my um..." I stepped past him into his private quarters and smiled up at him, in what I hoped was a secure, fearless, way. "I've been trying to think of something I could have forgotten here, so I had a reason to come back, but I couldn't think of anything."

"Why did you come back?" He asked the obvious question and I wanted to give him the most obvious answer. Fearless my arse. I was about to pass out from nervousness.

"I...last night...I think last night calls for a repetition."

Now his emotions were concealed again and I had no way of knowing what is going on inside of him.

"I think you should leave, Hermione."

Until he said that. As he stepped towards me, probably to usher me to the door, I met him halfway,

"Do you really want me to?" My eyes bore into his and I saw a flicker of something inside of them and the look he gave me told me he did not want me to leave.

"I am not looking for a relationship."

"Neither am I." My heart began race in my chest. "Just...sex."

I was painfully aware that I was once again blushing deeply, but it didn't matter, because my former Potions Professor had heard enough, as he stepped towards me, closing the gap between us. His lips eagerly found mine and he pushed me back, against the door closing it in the process. Severus lifted me up and had me pinned between himself and the door, my legs wrapped around his waist immediately, almost automatically. With him I knew how to act and feel relaxed. Heck, with him I felt fearless

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Please tell me what you think! Will Hermione go on this date? Should she have told Harry the truth?


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Facing the Ghosts**

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A/N: I am so sorry I'm only updating now! I comepletely forgot to upload. Thank you for each message and review!

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_All those words came undone and now I'm not the only one. Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns._ Sara Bareilles – "Breathe Again"_ [Kaleidoscope Heart]_

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"I can't believe we didn't know each other! Everyone knew Harry of course, but your like his side-kick, how come I never knew you?!" Mona seemed to jumping up and down on the spot.

"I don't know..." I hoped I didn't sound too impolite. "I never knew you either. I guess Hogwarts is bigger than one would think."

At the mention of my old school I was surprised by a sudden longing, which surrounded itself around my heart, filling me up and willing me to flee this party. What was I doing on this date anyway?

"Well we know each other now! What do you do? I'm a Healer, everyone in my family is!"

"Eh...I'm–"

"Is it true what Rita Skeeter wrote about you and Ronald Weasley?! Oh! This is so exciting! My brother is on a date with a celebrity! Can I take your picture, later?!"

"Mona! You're doing it again." Matt had suddenly appeared beside me, two glasses of wine in his hands. "Leave her alone."

His twin-sister sighed defeated and whispered: "He thinks I get too exited about things."

"That's because you do." He handed me my glass with an apologetic smile.

"And he says I talk too much."

"You can go away now, Mona." His hand touched mine briefly and when our skin came in contact he grinned at me.

"Do _you_ think I ask too many questions?"

Rolling his eyes now, he came towards me and pulled me away from the buffet table and into a smaller room, where people were sitting on Sofas and Armchairs, talking causally.

"Sorry about that." He sat down on a red Sofa and I sat down beside him, straightening my green cocktail dress in the process. "I'll try to not leave you alone with her again."

"That's ok. She's nice."

When he looked at me he had one eyebrow raised and was staring at me sceptically. "She's my sister, Hermione, I know how annoying she can be, but thank you for the effort." He chuckled then before saying: "So. Harry told me you're studying in the muggle-world. What's that like?" Matt drank a sip of his wine.

"It's...it's different than school." I finally said, looking down at the wine in my own glass.

"Do you like it?"

"I love it." I smiled. "It's nice to do my own thing and..."

"And be in a world, where people don't know everything about you?"

I grimaced and finished my wine, before answering. "Yeah."

"I don't read the paper." He quickly said. "I just know that your name is in it a lot."

"Yeah..."

It was funny how many people said that to me.

The blonde man shook his head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to talk about it."

"It's ok." I leaned back against the sofa and studied his handsome face. His blue eyes were blazing with excitement, his blonde hair was thick and he tended to run his hand through it every now and then and I wondered if he was aware of this habit.

"Harry told me you were thinking about becoming an Auror as well?"

I held the wineglass in my hand and stared down into the red liquid, "I thought about doing a lot of things – I even thought of working at Hogwarts as an apprentice for Potions."

"The kids would have loved you getting rid of old Snape!" Although it was so cheerful, his comment forced the blood to rush to my face.

"Yeah. Uh...like I said I thought of a lot of things, but they all amounted to thoughts only."

"How come?" He asked with a friendly smile and I realised already how different he was compared to Ron. Ronald hadn't shown this much interest in me, hadn't understood my actions in any way.

"I just wanted a break from the magical world, from Potions, from fighting, from spells...and I wanted to do something just for myself. Something I would enjoy."

He nodded, "I understand." Matt paused for a moment, before he leaned forward, "I come from a family of Healers, they were very disappointed when I announced I wouldn't be part of that family tradition. Sometime you just have to do what you want, what feels right."

Yes indeed. Sometimes one had to do just that. Follow your heart. Live your dreams. But then – what was I doing here with him?

"And becoming an Auror felt right?"

Severus and I weren't in a relationship. We'd agreed on this, there was nothing wrong with meeting another man. It just felt strange.

"Yes, it's perfect for me. I'm finally becoming who I'm supposed to be."

And wrong. Yes, it did feel wrong.

"Harry mentioned you were abroad for a year?"

He nodded, his eyes blazing up once more, "I went to Australia. I left my wand behind and tried living like a muggle. It was amazing."

I smiled, "Muggles are pretty amazing."

Now a blush crept onto his face as he slid closer to me, "Yes they are."

He reached out to touch me and although I wanted to move away I froze and couldn't get away from him. However he merely tucked a stranded hair behind my ear and then leaned back again.

"Thanks." I didn't know what to say.

"Who was your favourite teacher in Hogwarts?" His questions threw me so off guard I had to laugh, because I hadn't expected it all.

"Eh...I'm not sure, but I think I'd have to say McGonagall. She was the head of my house."

"I was always terrified of her!" Matt laughed, "But I see what you mean, if she was your head of house, then it's different. Mine was Flitwick. I thought he was great."

I nodded, but didn't really want to talk about Hogwarts any longer. I especially didn't want to speak about our former teachers.

"Do you want to dance?" He had already stood up and held out his hand for me to take. I took it, felt flattered that he had noticed my mood that I did not wish to speak to him about these things. He led me into the crowded dining room, which was full of people dancing and I laughed, as he whirled me around.

I was aware of people watching us and I could practically _feel_ what they were thinking: _Hermione Granger is dancing with that handsome guy. She must have gotten over Ronald Weasley very quickly! I wonder if she's the one who left him broken-hearted and not the other way around. I knew that whole prude-girl was just an act!_

"Two more minutes until Midnight." Matt whispered into my ear, as he pulled me closer to him.

He didn't seem to be thinking these things. He seemed to like me for who I was. I wrapped my arms around his neck and although the music was fast we began to sway slowly together. He smelled good, his scent wasn't strong, but clean and fresh.

"Can I kiss you at midnight?" Matt leaned back, so that he could look into my eyes and I found myself nodding, even though his eyes were so bright, weren't dark. Even though he wasn't who I wanted to kiss.

"Yes."

He pulled me close to him once more and I heard people yelling: "Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! Two!" He smiled widely, as he leaned down to me, "One!" When his lips met mine the room around us exploded into cheers and laughter, as everyone celebrated the beginning of the new year.

For a moment sadness embedded me, as I wondered if anyone actually mourned the loss of the old one. This moment was gone, when Matt stepped back, breathlessly and grinned at me,

"Happy new year."

"Happy new year."

Matt stepped closer, encircling my body with his arms and leaned down to whisper into my ear: "Should we get out of here?"

I didn't answer, but took his hand in mine and pulled him behind me, leading him away from the loud music, the cheerfulness and the crowd.

"Matt." Once we were outside in the night did I feel like I could voice the doubts in my mind. "I think I want to go home now and...I had a very nice evening and I'm sorry, but I don't think we'll be seeing each other again."

There was a small silence between us, before he asked the obvious pending question:

"Is there someone else?"

"No. Yes. I'm not sure." I thought about my words. "No. There is no one else." Sex was sex, with no strings attached. "It's me. I think I'm just not ready to be in a relationship yet."

He seemed disappointed and my heart went out to him, it really did. But there was someone else my heart was longing to get to. A moment it had been waiting for since the beginning of the evening.

"I'm sorry."

"It's alright. Should I take you anywhere?"

I shook my head. I knew where I wanted to go and I knew I was the only one to get myself there.

"Well then, goodnight Hermione."

"Goodnight, Matt."

As I watched him go back inside his sisters house I knew I wouldn't hear the end of this from Harry, but I also knew it was better to end this with Matt, before it even began. Considering the fact that I was ending it before it began on the first day of the new year made me smile. In seconds I was standing in front Hogwarts. Immediately my heart began to calm inside my chest. The truth was I never should have gone on this date with Matt. Of course Harry had meant well, but I didn't need him pitying me.

As I crept through the dungeons, it was different than it had been, when I had first gone back to him. I wasn't at all nervous. It was the fourth time I was coming to him, the fifth time we were being together.

"Severus?" I called softly from outside, as I knocked against his door.

When he opened the door and I saw his face, I could tell he was surprised. "Hermione? I wasn't expecting you tonight."

For a split second I was worried he'd send me away, but he opened the door further, stepping back to let me in.

"Happy New Year!" I declared, taking his face in my hands and pulling him down towards me. As his lips crushed against mine everything inside me exploded. He led me to his bedroom, freeing me of my dress on the way. In our time together he had taught me to be fearless, to not be shy or ashamed. When he broke the kiss to untie my hair I had to hide my smile. I had spent so much time hating my hair and trying to care for it or tried to hide it away by tying it together and he loved it. He had said it suited and completed me. After he undressed himself and covered my body with his own, we began our dance. We had perfected the steps and yet it seemed, with each new song there was more to learn, new things to discover.

Afterwards when we were lying in each others arms, when my head rested on his naked chest, my heart was finally at rest and seemed to be floating happily inside of me.

"How was your New Years?" I mumbled against his skin.

"The end was pretty good." He ran his fingers through my hair and I sighed contently. "How was yours?"

"It was ok." I wasn't going to tell him about Matt. There was no need. Severus and I weren't in a relationship.

"Did you have a date?"

Well, I also didn't want to _lie_ to him.

"Yeah, Harry set me up."

His hand continued to run up and down my arm and over my hair. "Did you have fun?"

"Not really." I closed my eyes, as the weight of the long day over came me. He didn't ask about my date's name or if I would see him again. He probably knew the answer – it wasn't hard to guess. I was with him after all.

"Your dress was green." He noticed and I smiled.

"Yeah, I'm starting to like green."

As tiredness overwhelmed me I began to fall into a peaceful slumber.

* * *

When I awoke hours later, it was due to the persistent burning in my right arm. I gasped for air and tears welled up in my eyes, as I moved away from the warm body beside me I hoped I would not wake him. He didn't need to see this.

I slipped into my underwear and found his shirt on the floor, which was long enough to cover my naked torso so that I didn't feel uncomfortable any longer. Once I was in the bathroom I began to sob loudly.

_Mudblood _burned consistently, glowing bright red on the inside of my arm. It happened every now and then. I used to think it was because I was stressed or had been thinking about the war too much, but finally I began to see there was no pattern. It would flame up and hurt randomly. It must have been part of the spell.

I took one of the towels hanging by the sink and held it under cold water, until it was cool as well. Then I wrapped it around my wounded arm. As I sat down on the edge of the bathtub, I pressed my arm against my chest.

"She's dead. She's dead She's dead. She's dead. She's dead." I rocked back and forth in a feeble attempt to stay calm. Molly Weasley had ended Bellatrix Lestrange's miserable life. She couldn't hurt me anymore. I knew that. And yet there was an inkling of doubt in my mind, because if she was dead, how come her spell still worked?

"She's dead!" I hated how much control that one thought had on the entire situation. That one question made me stay up at night worried she would come back and end what she had started.

The towel had already heated up and I took it off my arm with another sob. It wasn't fair. It hurt so bad.

"Hermione?" The door to the bathroom was pushed open gently. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine!" I wiped the tears off my face, but they just kept coming. "Go back to bed."

But he wouldn't hear it and pushed the door open wider, stepping inside. He was wearing dark trousers and his chest was bare. When he saw me, a pitiful look appeared on his face. He took the towel from me and threw it into the bathtub, realising immediately how useless it was.

"Come." He took hold of my unhurt arm and led me back to the bedroom, where he had turned on the light and pushed me onto the bed gently. Then he turned around to the cabinet standing opposite the bed. When he returned to me he held a bandage and a small vial, which he set on the bed carefully. Severus held out his hand, so that I would show him my hurt arm, which was still pressed against my chest. My body shook, as I stretched it out, revealing the horrible red display on it.

When I saw the word I turned my head away and closed my eyes. Wordlessly he applied some crème onto the letters, before he wrapped the bandage around it tightly.

Once he was done, the burning began to fade away and although my sobs had ebbed, tears continued to make their way down my face. He still held my arm in his grip and stroked the skin with his thumb.

"How often does this happen?" His voice was soft and gentle.

"I don't know...every now and then." I wiped my hand over my cheeks, but it was useless. "I...I normally use a glamour-charm, so it's not visible."

"I thought so." He paused before asking: "Do you know what triggers it?"

When I shook my head the motion was more frantic than I had apprehended, so he cupped my face in his hands and kissed my forehead in an attempt to calm me down. I was surprised that it worked.

"She's supposed to be dead. I don't understand how it can still hurt!"

"She _is_ dead." He said assuringly, as he climbed onto the bed and leaned his head against mine. "It's a new spell she created that is so full of dark magic, it continues to haunt you even after her death. But she is dead. I promise she will never hurt you again."

As I began to sob once more, his arms encircled me and caught me in a tight embrace. While I sobbed, he said nothing. He didn't promise me I would be alright or that nothing would ever hurt me again. He knew better than that. Once my sobs had subsided, he muttered into my hair:

"I am so sorry this happened to you."

"It's not your fault." I whispered back. I pushed myself away from him and ran my hand through my hair, pushing it back. "I'm sorry." I finally said. "You shouldn't have to...I should probably go."

"No." He said this simply and causally "Stay."

As I looked at him I realised his plea was genuine. He didn't mind me being hysterical, in fact he seemed to understand it. I blinked a few times. Whenever these attacks had happened at Ron's place I had usually left. Things had always been awkward afterwards.

"Is it ok if we..." I felt so stupid asking this question. "Can we leave the light on?"

_I can't fall asleep then Hermione and you know I have a long day tomorrow. Maybe you should sleep at your place after all?_

"Sure." Severus pushed back the covers and I slid beneath them. He followed and pulled me against his chest.

It was difficult to fall asleep afterwards. The pain lingered and Bellatrix' laughter rang in my ears. Her face was there every time I closed my eyes.

"Hermione?" I hadn't expected him to still be awake.

"Yes?"

He would send me home now, I was sure of it. No mature person could sleep with the light on, it was too frustrating.

"You don't have to use the glamour-charm because of me." He muttered in a sleepy tone. "I don't mind. It belongs to you, you don't have to be ashamed of it."

* * *

A/N: I know that Bellatrix' torture was only part of the films, but I really wanted to include this dark chapter of Hermione's life in this story. Once again I'm really sorry for the delay. What do you guys think?


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: I'm With You Now.**

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Hi guys, I hope you had a nice weekend! Thank you for all your messages and reviews :)

* * *

"_Never mind what I knew, nothing seems to matter now. Oh, who I was without you, I can do without. No one knows where it ends, how it may come tumbling down. But I'm here with you now. I'm with you now." _Sara Bareilles – "The Light" _[Kaleidoscope Heart]._

* * *

When I awoke the next morning I was in an empty bed and the light was off. It was surprisingly bright in the dungeons and I could hear the sounds of plates clambering in the kitchen and knew that he was preparing breakfast.

I sat up with a groan. My arm still hurt but my eyes were puffy and no doubt ridiculously red. I slid out of the large bed and went into the bathroom to have a shower.

The wet towel was hanging over the edge of the bathtub. I ignored it just as I ignored the letters on my arm by performing a glamour spell.

Whatever our arrangement had been it was over now I was sure of it. The sex was one thing, but staying up and tending to my war-trauma was another.

I stepped out of the shower and wrapped myself in a large green towel that smelled faintly of him. As I brushed my teeth I felt sadness sweep over me. I was going to miss his smell.

I used my wand to control my bushy hair. If I was leaving now, I was leaving with dignity. He'd folded my dress from last night and left it out for me.

When I stepped into the kitchen I saw that he had prepared a huge breakfast with rolls, bread, toast, porridge, tea...He was reading the newspaper.

"I've been awake a while." He explained when he saw my surprised face and I blushed, because I had slept so long.

I sat down before him and felt sadness tug at the corners of my heart. He had prepared all of this and now everything was over.

"There's something I wanted to discuss with you."

My heart sank and I nodded. "Yeah I know."

"Of course you do." There was a rare smile on his face and I found myself smiling back although I felt like crying.

_It's just sex,_ I told myself. _Don't cry over sex._

No one could deal with this. Ron couldn't, Harry didn't have to and Severus well...the sex probably wasn't worth it.

"The holidays will be over soon." He said as he reached across the table for some butter. "We probably shouldn't meet up in Hogwarts, so I was wondering if it would be possible to meet at your place?"

"You want to continue?!" The words had left my mouth in kind of a harsh tone and he froze in his movement of putting butter on his role.

"Don't you?" He asked confused.

"Yes!" _Ok Hermione, desperate much?_ I thought and shook my head because of my own thoughts. "I just meant, because of what happened last night..."

"What happened last night?" He asked and for a moment I thought he was playing me.

"I was crying...you...you had to take care of me and–" I stopped myself and then quietly added: "We had to leave the light on."

"I don't mind." He shrugged his shoulders. "Everyone has stuff that bothers them." A dark look appeared in his eyes. "Especially people like us."

I pressed my lips together and nodded.

People like us.

People who had fought in this war, who had lost others and who had been hurt.

"Yeah." I said quietly and reached for the bread on the table, now realising how hungry I really was.

"So..." He started again. "How are your living accommodations?"

I had to laugh because despite the horrors of last night and the trauma of Bellatrix Lestrange things were so easy between us.

"I live alone." I said. "We can...meet up there. I wouldn't want to sneak around the castle if there are students here."

He didn't respond and we continued to eat in silence. It wasn't an awkward silence, it was just the way things were. There was nothing to talk about.

"These panic attacks", he said and leaned back in his chair. "How often do they occur?"

"I don't know." I said and held my mug of steaming tea in my hands tightly.

"Start writing them down." He said. "And let me know, we can work out what kind of serum you need."

I shook my head and he frowned.

"Don't you want it to get better?"

"I don't want to have to think about it." I explained. "I don't want this to become a part of my life. If it hurts every now and then I can live with that."

He looked at me with a confused look and then said: "Just let me know, ok? I'll deal with it."

"Why?"

I wasn't sure if my question upset him, but he seemed confused and didn't answer.

"I just mean, we're not in a relationship, you don't have to take care of me like that and...you know I'm dealing with it."

A part of me was expecting a sarcastic remark about how I obviously _wasn't_ dealing with it. But Severus wasn't being sarcastic.

"How did Mr. Weasley handle a situation like last night?"

I sighed. "Do you really want to go there?"

My former Potions Professor leaned back in his chair and looked at me. "He sent you away, didn't he?"

"You're making it sound really cruel." I muttered as set my empty mug down. "He couldn't sleep when the light was on and he's busy, you know and he really needs his sleep."

"Oh yes." Now he was being sarcastic. "My heart bleeds for the poor lad."

I rolled my eyes. "It doesn't matter. It doesn't happen often so...let's just forget about it."

"It matters Hermione." The hardness in his voice surprised me. "Of course, it matters."

I looked up and our eyes met. I could see anger in his eyes. It wasn't the anger I'd been used to as a student when it was directed at me or my friends. This was anger _for_ me.

"I'll write it down." I said, mainly because I was done talking about the past. "See?" I reached for a napkin to scribble down the date and the time.

Severus shook his head, but I could see the amusement in his eyes.

"What?"

"I just can't believe you're the same person who handed in such long, better than perfect essays and this", he pointed to my napkin, "is how you handle something that's connected to your well-being."

"Well. Things change." I was surprised by the coldness of my voice and quickly said: "Sorry."

"Don't be."

"I'm not usually this cold-hearted."

He chuckled. "I am."

I had to laugh at that. When we were together like this he wasn't cold-hearted. He was quite the opposite, passionate and caring and intense. His dark eyes were actually capable of lighting up.

"You're staring."

"Sorry." I blushed.

"Are you thinking about something inappropriate?"

"No!" I laughed and my blush deepened which made him smile.

I started to pile the dishes and put the food we hadn't eaten back inside his fridge. His glances were like touches on my body and I turned around to him.

"Are _you_ thinking about something inappropriate?"

"Of course."

I laughed again and sat back down, reaching for another napkin.

"The dress suits you." Severus said. "I like the colour on you."

I smiled. "Thank you."

Matt had made similar comments last night, but it hadn't had the same effect on me.

"This is my address, I'm usually home around seven." I pushed it towards him.

"Are you leaving?"

"I need to get changed before I go to my parents' house." I sighed deeply. "They want me to come to brunch."

"Don't you want to go?"

I pressed my lips together, because I wasn't sure how to reply to that. Harry had lost his parents and Ron lived in the most tight-knit family around. They never understood.

"They mean well." I finally said. "But they ask me questions I'd like to avoid, like how things are going with Ron or when I will return to the magical community or what my plans for my future are." Severus didn't reply and I realised parents were probably a difficult topic for him as well, he had lost them both and his father had abused his mother and him too probably.

"I'm sorry." I said. "You don't want to hear this."

"Hermione, why do you keep on apologising?" He leaned forward, his eyes boring into mine. "You apologised to reacting to a trauma someone else caused you, you apologise for saying what you think...you are entitled to have an opinion you know."

"I'm..." I caught myself in time to stop myself from apologising. "I don't know."

It's not like I could blame Ron for everything that went wrong in my life. But he had said on more than one occasion that he'd thought I was being dramatic.

"And if I didn't want to hear it, I wouldn't have asked." He nudged my leg with his foot under the table. "I do have ways of changing the topic, you know."

I blushed and stood up. "I have to get going. Stop by tonight?"

"You can count on it."

* * *

"Well they try to understand, but it's not like I tell them everything." I leaned back on my sofa, the phone was jammed between my ear and shoulder as I drank my tea.

"Maybe you should." Harry suggested.

"I can't tell them about Bellatrix." I muttered. "That's never going to happen, but it's fine. The brunch was nice and they're both doing well so that's good. Although Dad said he was feeling under the weather lately. How was your New Years Eve?"

He'd had fun with the Weasleys and had told Ginny he loved her. I was happy for them and I was happy he had found this second family. I told him as much of the truth as I could that the date had been ok, but I wasn't interested in a relationship.

"Did you see Cormac afterwards?"

The hesitation in answering was basically already a good enough answer.

"Yes."

He sighed heavily. "I'm not a fan of this, Hermione."

"I know you don't like him..." I began and suddenly wished I'd used any other alibi than this particular former class mate, because I honestly didn't like him either.

"It's not that." Harry's voice had softened. "I just don't want you to get hurt. I know you think there's such a thing as no strings attached, but..." He was the one to hesitate now. "I'm not such so sure."

I had to smile. "Well, look at that, Harry Potter, the hopeless romantic."

"Hey." He said. "I'm not the hopeless one."

I giggled.

After we hung up, I tidied up the apartment, sang old muggle songs and drank coffee.

For the first time in a long time, I felt ok.

Severus arrived at seven and I was nervous, but excited to see him.

It didn't matter what he thought of my apartment or my way of living. As long as the bed was big enough for two of us, we didn't have a problem, that was the good thing about this arrangement.

I still hoped he liked it though.

When he stepped inside the small kitchen he took of his jacket and very naturally, as if he had been here a thousand times before, laid it over the back of the chair.

"I brought something for you." He reached into the chest pocket of his black shirt and handed me a small vial. "It's for the next episode, it's very strong so only use a small dosage, otherwise the effect will weaken."

I took it from him and was speechless.

"Thank you." I finally said. "You didn't have to do this."

His only reply was pulling me in to a kiss and as it always seemed to be the case I melted in his arms. I almost dropped the vial in the process and leaned back with a grin.

"Let me just put this somewhere safe."

Knowing full well the effect his kisses had on me he leaned forward to press a kiss against my forehead.

I went into the bathroom to stow the vial there. My forehead tingled where he had kissed me and as I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror I smiled. I was happy. He made me happy.

When I came back Severus had moved into the living room and was studying my bookshelf. I had to smile.

"Like what you see, Professor?"

He turned around with a guilty, sheepish look on his face that caused me to giggle. Catching him off guard was not something that usually happened.

I stood next to him and watched as he touched my edition of Shakespeare's collected works with his finger gently.

"Do you need to read these for your studies?"

I nodded. "But I've already read most of them."

He smiled his amused smile. "Of course you have."

"Did you read them?"

He nodded and looked at the other books.

"What's your favourite play?"

The gaze of his warm eyes turned to me. "_Hamlet_, what about yours?"

"Mine is too." I whispered. "I read it in one setting, because I couldn't stop."

His soft lips curved up to a smile. "So did I."

Severus turned and I could see he was taking in everything, the small living room, the tiny kitchen, the muggle photographs of Harry, Ron and I and my parents. The poster with the Hogwarts Crest I had painted. The notes for my essay that were scattered on my couch table.

"Did you chose _Wuthering Heights _as a topic?"

I nodded. "I like it, even if it's so dark."

"Yes." He agreed. "I know what you mean."

I wasn't sure why I was surprised that he had read all these books. Not because he had lived with a muggle parents, but simply because he was intelligent and interested in knowledge too.

"It's just a characterization of Catherine." I said. "It's nothing too special, but you can read it, if you like." I suddenly realised how that sounded and added: "Not to grade it, obviously."

He chuckled. "Sure, I'd like to read it."

No one had ever said that to me and I felt the same physical reaction to his words as I did to his kisses.

"Did you read _Jane Eyre_ too?" I quickly steered the conversation to a more general topic.

Severus nodded. "Yes, I read all of them, mainly because I was bored and my mother had the books at home."

"Yeah." I said. "Me too."

"I like the apartment." He said, scanning the living room once more. "It suits you."

I smiled at him. "Do you want to see the bedroom?"

A grin spread on his face as he came towards me and took my hands in his. "There's something else I wanted to talk to you about, first."

His words made me nervous, but in a good way.

"You don't have to cancel dates or anything for me. If you want to see the manfrom last night again, that's fine. We are still causal, aren't we?"

"Oh." I said looking down at our hands. "Yeah, of course, but...I wouldn't want to see him again anyway, I mean..." I looked up at him. "He was nice, but I only went out with him, because Harry set us up and it was important to him."

He kissed me deeply and I led him to my bedroom, telling myself that my words were true. That I hadn't blown Matt of for him. After all, we were still casual.

* * *

Do you think this is still casual? Review and let me know what you think!


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: My Friends Said**

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_Here's a simplification of everything we're going though  
You plus me is bad news  
But you're a lovely creation and I like to think that I am too  
But my friends said I look better without you._

Sara Bareilles – "Love on the Rocks" _[Careful Confessions]_

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**A/N:** Hi guys, I am SO sorry for the late update! I hope you had a great Christmas and I'll talk to you in 2020, have a great New Year's Eve!

* * *

"But don't you _miss_ it?" Ron asked again and I actually made a fist under the table. How had I overlooked his whininess for so long?

"No," I said clearly. "I still use magic every now and then, it's a part of me, but it's refreshing to be in a world without it."

"How can it be _refreshing_?" He pointed toward the stove where my dinner was still inside a pot. "You have to do everything yourself." He wrinkled his nose as if disgusted by something. "I mean, you have to clean the muggle way too!"

I was going to kill Harry Potter.

Maybe if Voldemort had an annoying ex-boyfriend and Harry had arranged a meeting, promising to be there and then not showing up, he would have been more successful in his attempts to murder him.

"Harry said you had a date."

Oh yes, Voldemort would have been very successful I was sure of it.

Ron was so foreign in my kitchen and it wasn't just his height. Severus was slightly taller than him but he fit right in.

"Yes."

I crossed my arms in front of my chest. I was so ready for this to be over. I'd told Harry that Cormac was coming at seven and had instructed Severus not to arrive before eight, just to be sure.

I hadn't seen him all week, since my uni and his teaching had started again, and I missed him.

"He also told me about Cormac." Ron continued and my mouth popped open in surprise. "I'm glad." He continued. "I mean, now you get how great sex is, right?" He leaned back. "Some people would do anything for it."

I stared at him, ready to rip his head off. "What?!"

"I just...I just meant..."

"_Are you trying to say it's ok you cheated because sex is great?!"_

"No!" As usual the denial was straight out of his mouth, but the explanation was missing. "I was just making conversation."

Luckily for him there was a knock on the door just then and he was saved from this 'conversation' and I could turn my rage on Harry instead. He was an hour late! He had left me with my ex-boyfriend for an entire hour!

I ripped the door open and already took a deep breath, ready to get on a full shouting rant.

Harry was shaking, his eyes were wide and red, he'd obviously been crying.

The air rushed out of my lungs, but not in a shout.

"What happened?!"

"Death Eaters." He croaked. "They sent messages to the ministry that they're not going to stop trying to rid the world of mudbloods."

"What?!"

"Hey, what's going on?" Ron called from the kitchen and I beckoned Harry to come inside the flat, so we could talk about this.

Harry was shaking and I made him a tea. "I have a batch of calming draught." I said. "Do you want some?"

Both of them seemed surprised by this admission and then Harry nodded. As I busied myself with this task, he started to explain:

"They sent a letter, to the ministry, they said they would regroup and pure-bloods would always rule and they'd bring the dark lord back."

His words made me shudder and next to him Ron turned visibly pale.

Just like that all of the walls I'd built up around myself came tumbling back down. The war, the pain, the suffering, the losses. Fred. Remus. Tonks.

"Do they know who sent it?" I set the cup of calming drought in front of and Harry and he gripped it tightly, shaking his head.

"They think it might be a hoax, but I don't know..."

"Does your scar hurt?!" Ron asked immediately and I almost rolled my eyes.

"No...but every other part of me seems to be hurting."

He locked my eyes with me and I knew exactly what he meant. Next to me Ron closed his eyes as if he was in pain too.

We had never spoken about his brother and I knew he tried to push away his grief as best he could.

"Kingsley called 'experts' in." The irony was so clear in Harry's voice it almost sounded bitter. His eyes were cold as he muttered: "Snape was there."

My heart sank at the hatred in his voice and Ron having found a distraction to latch himself upon sat up immediately.

"What?! The greasy old git was probably the one behind it!"

"No he wasn't!" I would be a terrible spy. The outburst of my rage was clear enough.

"How would you know?!" Ron turned around to me. "He killed Dumbledore!"

I actually groaned at this, before explaining – not for the first time – : "He was a spy!"

Ron laughed and it was a bitter, grieving laugh. "Right. That story came in handy, didn't it? Saved him from Azkaban?"

"It's not a story! He was innocent!" I realized myself that the term 'innocent' was quite a stretch, he had committed crimes after all, he had hurt others, he had

murdered Dumbledore.

There were tears stinging in my eyes as all these realizations hit me and it was Harry who calmly said:

"I saw his memories, Ron. He wasn't lying." My best friend was looking at me with a gentle gaze and then looked away again, I blinked my tears away.

"Anyway, the asked him to check if he could trace the magic, see if it was actually black magic or just a prank by someone who's not really a threat."

I shook my head, the idea of a prank in that sense made me sick. Dark magic and racism weren't a laughing matter.

"And?" Ron was the one to ask. "What did he say?"

"Nothing." Harry shrugged his shoulders. "He refused to help."

"What?" Ron sneered. "Are you kidding?!"

"No." Harry was actually quite calm. "He said he didn't want to be involved."

"He's still a death-eater." Ron decided then and there. "Obviously."

"How is that obvious?"

One of his eyebrows rose as he looked at me. "If it quacks like a duck, it's a duck, Mione."

"Snape is not a duck!"

"Speaking of ducks..." Harry leaned forward, drawing the attention of the table to him. "I'm starving, let's order Chinese."

"What?" Ron looked puzzled.

"Muggle tradition." Harry stood up. "You'll love it."

As it turned out Ronald did love the idea of ordering in, he loved spring-rolls, Sushi, noodles with duck, rice with duck, coke, diet coke...Harry ordered and paid and Ron ate.

It was a safe ground for the three of us and I knew Harry was overcompensating for being late, even if it hadn't been his fault at all under these circumstances.

Ron couldn't really say something catastrophically wrong when he had his mouth full. While he was in the loo, Harry turned to me:

"So, how's Cormac?"

I had to laugh. "Fine."

"That bad, huh?" He grinned. "You're blushing."

I was. "Shut up."

He laughed and then said: "It's good to see you this happy, Hermione. Even if it's Cormac."

"It's just sex." I said and stood up to gather the dishes.

"Yeah, you keep on telling yourself that."

I was not going to discuss this with Harry. It didn't matter what he said any way. Severus and I weren't in any commitment.

But lying to him was starting to bother me. Why shouldn't he know? What was the worst that could happen? He'd get mad, but he'd still accept me, I knew

that.

"Blimey is that the time?!" I almost dropped the dishes at Ron's sudden loud voice and turned around.

He was putting on his jacket. "We need to go Harry, Ginny's waiting."

"But..." Harry stood up. Looking flustered."What about the dishes?"

"What about Ginny?" Ron retorted. "Do you want to keep my little sister waiting?"

Harry was looking between us, obviously not sure what to say, because any reply to that question would have been wrong.

"Just go." I said and felt an overwhelming tiredness. "It's fine."

"But..." Harry didn't look like it was fine. He was looking pretty stressed.

"It's fine." I repeated and also wondered when these two words had lost all their meaning to me. Maybe after the second time Ron had cheated.

I hugged him goodbye and stepped back quickly behind the table, so I had a reason not to have to hug Ron, who was already standing at the door, opening it.

"Sorry, Mione, we really have to run, thanks for dinner!"

"Sure."

"I'm sorry." Harry muttered and then added: "I'll call you tomorrow, ok?"

They left and it was only after the door had closed that I thought they could have gotten rid of this mess with a flick of their wands.

It seems we'd all forgotten about magic.

I buried my face in my hands with a heaving sigh.

_Isn't this what you wanted?_ I asked myself.

Maybe I could forget the magic, but I'd never escape the trauma.

As if summoned the scar started to prickle, but I literally shook it off, because I knew my own mind was playing a trick on me.

Instead I turned up music and made myself a coffee, trying to just forget about the past hours. Once I sat down and read the prickling stopped.

What did it matter that Harry and Ron were meeting Ginny and hadn't invited me? It was silly, Ron and I were exes and he probably had a date and that's why they hadn't told me.

It was nothing dramatic.

Severus wouldn't be coming today, I was sure of it, not after what had happened in the ministry. So I got changed, put my hair up in a messy bun and got to work on the dishes.

Of course it had been rude to leave all these dishes with me, but Ron was rude and I was no longer his girlfriend, so that meant I had no right to say anything.

Or did I?

A knock on my door interrupted my thoughts.

It was Harry, I was sure of it, because he actually had a bad conscience for just running out like that.

But it wasn't Harry.

It was Severus.

He was running his hand through his hair, no longer greasy as in school-times, but clean and silky. When he saw me his eyes lit up and he pulled his hand back, smiling sheepishly as if caught in an act.

"Am I too late?"

I stopped myself from saying _never_ and instead shook my head.

"No, come inside."

He was the one to go into the kitchen. "I brought you something..." He stopped as he took in the mess and turned around. "Did you have a party?"

"I had a Ronald Weasley." I sighed and walked past him, in the tight space my torso brushed against his chest and that made me blush and him smile.

"The boys were here and Harry bought all this food and I brought out the plates and then they left and..." I was rambling. "Did you say, you brought something?"

He was still smiling and reached into his jacket-pocket to pull out a small vial.

"Pepper-up-potion."

"Oh." I reached up to touch my hair which was a larger mess than the kitchen. "I don't need it, I just look like I'm a mess, I'm fine, really."

Severus laughed, stepping closer and pressing the vial into my hands. "You look stunning as always. The potion is for your father."

"My Dad?"

"You said he was feeling under the weather lately, I thought this might help."

I swallowed because I didn't want him to know how touched I was by this act of kindness.

"Thank you." I finally said and looked up into his dark eyes. "You didn't have to do this."

"I know." He sounded amused as he tucked a stray hair behind my ear. "I wanted to."

He leaned forward to kiss me and as his lips met mine I melted in his arms and instantly all of my doubts vanished.

Until we bumped against the table and one of the dishes fell to the floor.

"Oh shoot." I muttered pushing against him and steadying myself at the same time. "Sorry."

"Don't worry about it." He stepped back and reached inside his jacket again. "May I use magic?"

The fact that he asked me, that he understood how important this was for me made my knees weak and I nodded.

Severus fixed the mess in the kitchen within seconds and a flick of his wand. Then he led me to my bedroom, which I didn't care about one bit.

I felt like he fixed the mess in my mind and I wanted to think that I fixed something inside of him too. Life was just better when he was around.

I wasn't sure how to tell him that. He probably didn't feel the same way.

"Potter was here today?" He whispered the question in the semi-darkness of my bedroom, cast by a small lamp on the windowsill.

Maybe this was the real reason he had come tonight.

"Yeah." I closed my eyes, lying in his arms after the act, as he ran his fingertips up and down my naked arm was one of my favourite moments. "He told me about the ministry." I felt him tense under me and sat up lying my hand on his chest. "We don't have to talk about it. I probably shouldn't know."

"The golden boy gets to tell whoever he wants." He muttered and although I knew there was real hatred for my best friend I had to chuckle.

"Yeah, well, he did defeat Voldemort, you know."

He snorted but didn't reply.

"I was a bit surprised." It was the half-darkness and the fact that we were so comfortable around each other that gave me the courage to talk about this so openly. "That you didn't want to help."

A part of me had expected him to shy away, leave as he would eventually anyway.

But Severus Snape didn't shy away. In fact his arms encircled me tighter and he whispered:  
"I have to connect to dark magic and that is something I vowed to never have to do again, unless absolutely necessary." He kissed the top of my head. "And I don't think it was in this case."

"So, you don't think the threat was real?"

"No. And they don't need me to sort it out Hermione, they have experts to help out." He leaned his cheek against my head and I closed my eyes. "I bet Potter already painted quite the picture of me being a coward, right?"

"No." I opened my eyes again and looked up to see his face in the half-darkness. "No he didn't actually. He just said that you refused to help, he didn't evaluate."

"Hmm."

I felt myself drifting off to sleep, but this topic was too important right now, so I sat up, propping myself up on my elbow.

"I don't think you're a coward, Severus."

It took him a while to reply to this, but then he said: "I'm fed up with having to use dark magic, because people tell me to. It's what Dumbledore did."

I leaned down to kiss him. "I understand."

"You might be the only one."

"Do you care?" I asked. "About what people think?"

"No." He sighed. "I suppose not."

There was a silence, but it was nice. Comfortable.

"I need to get going soon."

"You should stay." The words had left my mouth before I could stop them. "I mean, just until morning and then you can go back to school."

He kissed my head again and sounded amused, when he said: "And what do you think that would do to my reputation? The mean, bitter potions-master spends his nights outside of the castles? The students would have a field-trip with that and the staff would never shut up about it."

"They wouldn't have to find out..."

He didn't seem to hear me. "Knowing my luck one of those dunderheads will get into trouble the one night I'm not there."

I didn't answer and he sighed deeply.

"I hate that school, I really do." He pressed his face into my hair, breathing in. "I would love to stay here with you, you can't imagine how badly."

In his arms I turned around in the same moment he leaned in and our lips met for a passionate kiss. I could imagine, because I absolutely loved the idea of him staying too.

* * *

So what do you guys think? Next chapter brings some more drama...


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: No Easy Way to Say This**

* * *

_Blank stares at blank pages. No easy way to say this. You mean well, but you make this hard on me _

Sara Bareilles - "Love Song" _[Little Voice]_

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**A/N**: Hi guys! I hope you had / are having an amazing weekend, happy New Year 2020! Thank you for your reviews. they mean a lot too me.

I made a mistake and told you about the drama too soon, that will be in the next chapter, **sorry**! Enjoy!

* * *

The weeks went by. I rarely saw Ron or Harry. It wasn't intentional, I was just busy with university. I got full marking on the paper Severus helped me with and was asked by one of my peers, Stefanie to hang out.

Things were going well.

Sometimes my arm hurt. Sometimes I had nightmares. Sometimes I woke up screaming.

The Battle of Hogwarts was part of my memory and part of my every day life, even in the muggle world. But I wasn't alone.

Severus didn't come by every night, he was busy at school. As it turned it work was piling on their and he was under a lot of stress.

According to him I took his stress away and he did the same for me.

It wasn't just the sex.

We had similar interests and when I told him about my story of my secret lover being Cormac McLaggen he laughed out loud. I liked his laugh and I liked the way things were going, calling him "lover" felt right to me.

"Hi 'Mione!"

Harry arrived at my table and hugged me tightly. We'd agreed to meet in the café-shop, because we hadn't seen each other in so long.

"You look good!"

"Thanks, you too."

We ordered coffee and once we were sitting down again, Harry started chatting about his work and Ginny. Things were going well for him too. The couple was thinking about moving in together.

"So..." He grinned at me. "How are things with you?"

My blush gave me away and my oldest friend chuckled.

"I see."

"Actually, there's something I wanted to tell you."

He set his cup of coffee down. "Really? What's going on?"

"I..." The problem was: I was fine with Severus being my lover, I was fine with no strings attached but I was sure as soon as I told Harry he would berate me about how Severus was using me because he was older than me.

And I wasn't sure I was ready for his doubt. Even if I was sure about him.

"Hermione, I know you're not sleeping with Cormac."

"What?"

Harry was relatively calm as he leaned forward and explained: "I left the party basically after you did, but Ginny was there and well...we were talking and I told her about you and him and she said he came back to the party later on. Turns out he went home with Pansy."

"Oh."

"I didn't say anything." He continued. "I figured you'd tell me once you were ready."

I was flooded with affection for him in that moment.

"How long have you known?"

"Since shortly after New Years."

I shook my head smiling. "Harry Potter, you had me fooled."

He chuckled. "You'd have me fooled if I hadn't talked about it."

There was a silence while we looked at each other and he was obviously excited, his eyes wide as he waited for me to reveal the secret.

"You don't have to tell me." He finally said and I laughed straight out loud because I knew he wanted to know.

"I don't want you to freak out." I said. "We're in public."

He was grinning now and just looked at me.

"Ok." I said, sitting up in the comfortable chair. "It's Severus. Severus Snape."

The grin on his face faded and changed into confusion. He was frowning and looked like he hadn't heard me.

But I know he had.

An eternity passed until he said:

"What?"

"Yeah." I nodded.

"You're kidding." He took off his glasses and rubbed his forehead. "Tell me you're kidding, Hermione."

"I know it seems crazy from the outside." I said, leaning forward. "But we're really good together."

He shook his head, burying his face in his hands. "This can't be real."

"You said yourself that I was happy."

This made him look up and the confusion was still written on his face. "He's old."

"He's not that old. And when we're together he somehow gets younger and I get older."

"And he was..._gross_ in school, his hair was all greasy."

"It's not anymore." I bit my lip. "The war changed him, Harry and it changed me too."

"I'm starting to get that." He put his glasses back on and looked pale.

"I'm sorry this is such a shock."

"He...he loved my mum, Hermione. And he..." He looked up at me now and his green eyes were blazing with emotions. "He made my life a living hell, you know that."

"I do." I said, trying to stay calm. "But I also know that he helped defeat Voldemort and spent years trying to keep you, trying to keep _us_, safe."

"But he was horrible to us."

"Ron cheated on me three times, Harry." My voice was cold. "Somehow he's still your best friend."

There was a long silence between us and I worried in that moment that this might be the moment I truly lost Harry. We'd been in school together, we'd grown up together and we had survived the war together.

His eyes locked with mine and he held me in that gaze for a long time, before he finally stood up and left.

My heart dropped and I felt tears burn in my eyes.

This was it then.

Without a word, Harry Potter had just stood up and walked away.

"Ok, I'm going to need some ground rules." I looked up. Harry was back and had a sheet of paper and a pencil in his hands. "Number one, no details about sex, no _he does this thing with his tongue _or _he has a trick _or anything like that, in fact, I'm going to write down a list of forbidden words, right now. _Tongue_ is number one, followed closely by _fingers_ and of course..." He gave me a mock stern glance. "I do _not_ want to hear any stories about his abnormally large nose."

I couldn't help but laugh out loud and wiped away the few tears that had managed to escape my eyes.

Harry set the paper down. "I'm sorry about Ron, Mione. I really am. You're my best friend. And I'm so sorry he treated you like crap, you never deserved that, but I can't..." He shrugged helplessly. "I can't cut him off, he's Ron and he's..." He sighed. "You know he's really been struggling since Fred's death and can't keep down a job and I just...I can't let him go."

"I understand, Harry. I feel the same way."

"He's actually been doing better." His face brightened up. "He said he's been working on something and it's going to be great." He shrugged. "We'll see, I suppose."

"Yeah."

"So, rule number two: As soon as Snape does something to hurt you, I get to hex him all the way out of the country."

I laughed again. "Stop."

"Number three: He and I will never be in the same room together, no parties with me and him, no social interaction, no tea-parties, no ballet-performances."

"Ballet-performances?"

"Well, I don't know what you guys together." He tapped the sheet of paper. "Remember : rule number one, I don't _want_ to know."

"Are you done?" I asked. "I have some rules of my own."

"Really?" He looked surprised.

"Number one, no Snape-bashing behind my back or in front of me." Harry sighed at this but then nodded. "Number two, I'm not ashamed of what we're doing, but he does not need the staff or students of Hogwarts to know, ok?" This Harry accepted immediately. "And rule number three: I know you think I'm in over my head, but you need to stop telling me what to do. It's just sex."

He opened his mouth to argue, but then sighed. "Fine. You are in love with him though."

"He actually _does_ have a trick with his tongue..." I leaned forward and Harry covered his ears.

"Ok! Ok! I'll let it go, I promise."

I laughed and for the first time in forever, things were finally absolutely perfect.

* * *

"So I told Harry about you today."

"Really?" Severus sounded surprised as he put his arm around me, tugging me closer. "What did he say?"

"He was shocked and he set up some rules."

"What rules?" His lips grazed the side of my face and I closed my eyes, finding it hard to concentrate

"No details about the sex, if you hurt me, he gets to hex you." Severus actually laughed at that as he ran his fingers through my hair. "And he doesn't want to see you in any social setting."

"Hmm." He mused. "I can agree with those."

"In return he's not allowed to talk badly about you or tell anyone at Hogwarts."

"You are quite the clever girl, Hermione."

I giggled. "Yeah, I know."

"Know-it-all."

I hit his chest which made him laugh again.

The sound of his laughter made my heart swell, there was almost no other sound in the entire world that I rather heard.

"I need to get going soon."

I knew better than to ask him to stay, no matter how badly I wanted him too. Severus and I had our own rules too. No emotions, no strings attached. Asking him to stay went too far. Asking him to stay even if we didn't have sex wasn't the point.

"Hermione, there's something I wanted to talk to you about."

It wasn't the wording exactly that made me nervous. It was the fact that he was the one to sit up. He pushed his hair out of his face in one swift movement.

"I applied for a job as a potions master in New York. They invited me in for an interview."

"New York?" I repeated. "Really?"

I couldn't picture him anywhere else than England.

"Yeah." He chuckled. "I know, but it's away from Hogwarts and that was the main thing I was going for."

"Well, good." I found myself lying. "I'm happy they invited you in."

He kissed me and a part of me hoped it was because he didn't want to think about the future either and especially not the possibility of this arrangement ending.

* * *

Please tell me what you think, did you think Harry had walked away? Who wants Severus to take the job? Let me know!


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